dragon within

a Dragon's year

2011-12-31T20:22:00.000+11:00

WOW whata roller coaster of year it's been for this little Dragon.

I'vefallen down to the darkest depths and have had to learn once again, to walkproud, roar loudly for the good and against the negative but mainly I havefinally spread my beautiful wings and begun to soar to new amazing heights.

Myhatchlings have grown so fast and become real individual personalities, thelikes that really scare me. You see there is not one shy retiring little wallflower amongst them. Ohhh heavens help me as they continue to grow!!!

And as2011 draws to a close I think it a wonderful time to do your 2011GRATITUDE LIST.

The end of the year is a great opportunity to show your gratitude forall the good that manifested in 2011. As Oprah Winfrey says: “The more youpraise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.”

So grab a pen and paper, sitdown and make a list titled: What I’m grateful for in 2011…

To help you get started here afew points you may want to consider:

· What did Ilearn in 2011?

· How was myhealth?

· Who did Imeet?

· What was a standoutexperience?

·What was the most fun?

I believeby closing the year focusing on all the positive in your life, you aresummoning up and filling your being with that magical energy that opens yourheart and mind which attracts more positivity to you.

Now your gratitude listcomplete and hopefully you're brimming with pride, it is time to plan and writedown your INTENTIONS FOR 2012.

You can’t hopeto get what you want until you know what it is you want! As you write yourintentions down, note how confident (or not) you feel about this aim. Where youfind your confidence is low, you need to work on raising it up.

So grab thatpen again and make a new list titled: My intentions for 2012…

Some morepoints you may want to consider:

·Which fear willI release?

·Who will Ispend more time with?

·What do I wantfor myself work-wise?

· Relationship-wise?

· Travel-wise?

I hope thishelps you embrace 2012 and it make it everything you dream of. Should youencounter tough times, I wish that you will find the silver lining and have theinsight to find the lesson in the life experience.

My blessings toyou and your loved ones for 2012 - let's make it ROCK!!!

my affirmation

2011-07-08T01:40:00.002+10:00

In the face of adversity I will take a deep breathe, rise to the challenge & conquer my self doubt.

When to stay and when to run...

2011-01-19T23:37:00.000+11:00

I feel 16 again. Because I feel like I've run away from home. But ironically I've left hubby and the kids and camped out at my parents place. Last time I did a runner, I was leaving the parents when I was the kid... and all over a simple nose piercing - but that's another story!

Well today I think I hit critical mass, but hey I thought that back in November before we went to Tresillian. SO... rather than continue to freak the kids out with a mum that can't stop crying, when hubby got home from work, I packed a bag, called my olds and decided I needed to be utterly selfish and take a break. Let hubby bare the brunt of things and try to catch up on some MUCH needed sleep, not to mention get my shit together.

Tomorrow, after another dreaded but much needed appointment with the Financial Counsellor, I will relent on a personal stand point and toddle off the Dr's for some anti depressants. Ohh and maybe some sleeping tablets I think... the insomnia I've having certainly does not help my depression or stress levels.

So strap yourself in kids, it's going to be a bumpy ride !!! And with any luck the kids won't eat hubby alive and I may just have a family to go home to.

SO Jan 19, 2011 : I'm grateful for a safe place, my panic room if it were.

Balancing act

2011-01-16T22:37:00.000+11:00

Not 5 seconds ago I told my husband that 'no I would not blog tonight' as I am utterly shattered (tired, not drunk or high as much as they seem like much better feeling options), that I would make a choice for my mental and emotional health and go to bed. Not to mention it had been rather average uninspiring day battling a social commitments and a feral 2 year old, who wants to read a blog about that crap?

Then as I went to turn the PC off and go to bed as discussed, I saw a couple of new people are following me on Twitter - my new destructive habit along with this blog and facebook! And I felt horribly compelled to bring forth something. The why of which I will have to deconstruct later when I have the brain capacity (which going by my current trend could be the 12th of never!), and then it hits me, today has been a lesson in finding balance.

And it is that light bulb moment of what the day has brought to me, that is the very essence of why I vowed where humanly possible to blog each day to for myself to STOP for moment and take stock of the day's ebb and flow and how I may in some small way be grateful and learn from it.

So Jan 16, 2011 : as I quickly nut this blog out, I give thanks to acknowledging that all things, big and small need their own priority and balanced place within your day, life, heart and soul in order to give you the balance that we all struggle to find.

a moment in time

2011-01-15T22:21:00.000+11:00

Amidst the turmoil it's so good for the soul to get out and away, far away from it all and remember the world outside and it's small pleasures. Here we took the brood to an animal park down the coast and watched as the kids absorbed the sights, smells, sounds and feel of those things outside our normal realm.

So Jan 15, 2011 : I am ever so glad to have break and leave 'it' all on the shelf if only for a day.

Money money money, it's so funny.... NOT!

2011-01-14T23:28:00.000+11:00

Well it's a double edged sword I'm currently wielding.

Yesterday I knocked another item of my Wish List 2011 - went an saw a Financial Counsellor to help us make a change in our money situation cause basically we're like totally crap and stuff with juggling money. And being a family of 5 now on a single income, I knew we weren't in a fantastic spot but HOLY SNAPPING DUCK SHIT BATMAN!

This exercise forced hubby and I to disclose all our financial skeletons in the closet. Something I can only assume, normal married people come to in good time, but having only been married for 5 seconds before we found out we were going to be a family, I now look back and think, we didn't get a chance to do that part. So in true Team DW form, we did that in super fast mode too!

Needless to say, sitting down and going through (in great detail) the full gravity of our financial situation left me 'shocked, stunned and not a little amazed' - to quote my favourite comedian Billy Connolly I left the office building and walked to a park and cried my heart out. Then realised, I was sulking about a something that I thought was bad and went to get help for - what was I sulking for??? But never the less, it hurt. It hurt to think we are a hair's breadth away from disaster.

But hey, I knew 2011 was about change, just didn't realise how much. I know better about being VERY specific about what you wish for cause the universe, she doth have a wicked sense of humour. Can I remind you that I have 3 under 3 - yeah she got me good...

So in lieu of blogging last night, I was madly downloading all my banking history, dumping it into spreadsheets and pulling together every ounce of data analyst I had left in me to get the a better idea of our habits and where they must change. Now my heads hurts and my eyes are going crossed - how did I used to do this all day everyday? eeek!

it feels something like this...

So Jan 13 and 14, 2011 : I give thanks clarity, communication and solidarity that this experience has given Team DW

I need a Jedi mind trick

2011-01-13T00:18:00.000+11:00

It would the appear the force is strong in my little padawan and I'm having to pit my all my firey dragon will against hers.

Now all those seasoned mothers out there are silently nodding in understanding that this is that glorious time dubbed the terrible twos. And while my darling is happily speeding through majority of her development milestones, making the change from nappies to undies is something she is completely and utterly digging her heels in about.

Self feeding and toilet training (the progress we had made) were the 2 areas of regression we encountered when the dynamic duo came onto the scene. At which time I thought were the lesser of... well many evils having heard some toe curling stories.

After our recent stint in Tresillian, who helped with the self feeding issue, but sadly couldn't help with toilet training. And lets be honest I was so close to breaking point then, that toilet training was pretty low on my list of survival priorities.

Almost 2 months down the track, running on the heaven sent Tresillian routine and I have now personally recovered enough to take up the fight once more. Only to discover that it's a FAR bigger fight than I could have imagined. If having meltdowns about putting on undies and having to sit on the toilet weren't joyful enough, the little witch calls upon the mystical powers of a camel and manages to hold on for hours on end! ARRHHHGGGG - it's just SOO infuriating, it's going to make my head explode.

Every time I think I've found her currency / motivation to move forward, she changes the ball game. I never expected to have to be so militarily tactical with a damn toddler.

So Jan 12, 2011 : while I go about my toilet war games and try to look at the glass half full. That the sheer strength and determination my hatchling is using against me now, will serve her well in the future against all those situations and people parents shudder to think about.

Good god I've become a living blonde joke

2011-01-11T15:21:00.000+11:00

And before you ask, no I'm not actually blonde! I'm brunette battling a tidal wave of grays, but I'm not a blonde.

But I am sitting here feeding my crazed hormones with a Darrell Lea Milk Chocolate GIANT Speacklea (aka a huge arsed choc freckle...) bawahahaha I said arse AND freckle in the one sentence!!! heee heee ha ha ha ha... Ohh gutter humour, please never leave this little old Dragon, it makes up a huge part of what I am.

Anywho, back to the hormones : recently I've come to realise they are playing a very big role in the roller coaster of my PND / depression. I've been very Jekyll and Hyde like but with enough detachment to get annoyed at seeing the massive swings I'm having and their effects on those around me. So like the mother I am, I gave myself a stern talking to and told myself to go to the bloody Dr's. And would you know it, I was on the money!

Shock horror, after some blood tests the Dr informs me I'm now in a nasty loop where my hormone imbalance is affecting not only my emotions but my sleep and stress levels, my lack or sleep and increased stress affect my adrenal system, which produces cortisol to cope, adrenals become exhausted producing said coping cortisol then fail to produce the correct level of hormones and on and on it goes... Better explained here

And how does all this mean I'm a living joke? Well the Dr in a means to help break this cycle of abuse (lol) has put me back onto the pill. Another post breastfeeding boon! And tonight I caught myself saying to my husband, aside from starting to feel human again, you know what the best part of being back on the pill is? I know what day of the week it is! To which my hubby just cracked up.... thanks!

So Jan 11, 2011 : I give thanks to the modern sciences that brings us the contraceptive pill - for so SO many reasons!

High Chair 1 - DW 0

2011-01-10T23:10:00.155+11:00

Today was full of productivity with fly screens being replaced (thanks going to the local cockatoos for destruction of the window screens) with reinforced aluminium versions so the trio of midgets can't push their way through. That while I had the staple gun out, I would have a red hot crack at recovering the high chair. Another thing off the 2011 wish list.

But no..... it couldn't be as simple and easy as using the resources around and readily available. You know being all ethical and recycling etc etc. Here I was being all smug thinking I don't need to spend a bucket load on another high chair considering I'll only need it for another year at most. I've got the oilcloth remnants sent to me from my amazing raincoat made by Worden, some old cushion inserts (waiting for some project to come) and most importantly my parent's electric staple gun, I mean where could I go wrong?

old cushion insert cut down to size

oilcloth, cushion & highchair base ready to cut...

Bloody masonite board, that's where I could come asunder alright! Damn high density board wouldn't let my staples through, so now I'm back to square one... and left thinking about hot glue guns, card board, upholstery tacks... essentially things that will taken more effort than I wanted... arrhhgggg !

not the outcome I was after :o/

So Jan 10, 2011 : Today I learnt about being grateful with what you CAN do, rather than stewing about what you can't. Although I am struggling a little with it... this old dragon can't back down from a fight ;o)

a moment in time

2011-01-08T13:41:00.000+11:00

Inspired by SouleMama's, post I gazed in awe and hoped one day I would be able to capture a moment of christmas. Here is my vain attempt of my own version of that inspiring photo thanks to a belated christmas gathering with my outlaws...

So Jan 7, 2011 : while although had mixed emotions regarding this gathering, the kids excitement overcame it all. So I am grateful for a chance to see child's view of the world

Run away, run away...

2011-01-06T16:14:00.000+11:00

Today is what I call a 'run away day' It's where the stars magically align 3 ratty kids with a less than coping mother.

In terms of my post natal depression, I'm not what they class as a self harm risk but more a flight risk. My self preservation runs too high to want to opt out of this world, I just periodically want to opt out of my home duties (aka kids) and pretend like I'm someone who is somewhere else.

To be brutally honest, this is one of those days I wish I wasn't a mother. Not everyone will admit it, but a very large portion of us (mums) have days when the shit really hits the fan and all we want is it all to stop for just one freaking minute. And as my SIL says to me, honestly if you really knew what you were in for, would you sign up for this [motherhood] job?

And today my answer is : HELL NO !

So Jan 6, 2011 : I am *eternally* grateful for the support I have from my parents. Who will come at a moments notice to give that much needed hug, the space to just go and cry, to take the kids for a while - to stop me tipping over the edge. For without them, I couldn't even imagine...

Who released the Kraken ?

2011-01-05T23:19:00.000+11:00

Ohh today was not filled with sunshine, lollipops and rainbows... no, not at all. Ruined plans, very little sleep, impending doom and lots of crazy hormones for a happy DW does not make. According to my darling hubby I was very this....

When I should have chosen to be this....

And damn it wouldn't you know it - I think he's right.

I respect hubby so much when he : a) takes his life into his hands by taking me head on when I'm in one of these moods and b) in turn, helps me snap out of it.

So Jan 5 2011 : I wish two very dear people in my life a wonderful anniversary of birth. May the world and those around you shower you with love, support, compassion and inspiration as you have done for me xoxox

Learning to super size again for the hungry hungry hippos

2011-01-04T23:05:00.001+11:00

Although technically I am an only child, I grew up in mother's household and ended up being 1 of 5 children in the house. So with 7 of us around the dinner table, I learnt to cook BIG meals. But when I moved out at age 18, I had to radically reteach myself to cook small meals.

Now the winds of change have blown again and with the duo well into normal foods, I'm having to teach myself to super size meals again... and knock out a few at a hit too. And keeping up with my horde of remorseless eating machines is a full time job onto itself. Thank heavens I love cooking like I do !

So today thanks to some wonderful sleeping midgets, I managed to cook some quick and easy family meals.

Veggie slice (my adulterated version of a humble zucchini slice)

10 eggs
2 cups self raising flour
550gm zucchini, grated
200gm carrot, grated
1 cup corn kernels (I use frozen)
1 cup peas (again frozen)
1 ½ brown onion, finely chopped
400gm bacon, sliced
2 cups tasty cheese, grated

Grease a lasagne tray and preheat oven to 180° fan forced.

Beat eggs and add in sifted flour until combined. Add each of the remaining ingredients, mixing until combined before adding next (get better egg mix coating this way)

Pour into tray and bake in oven for 30mins or until brown on top and set in the middle.

Note : this is lovely served warm, but for little people, allow to cool completely and refrigerate. Sliced into finger size pieces makes a fantastic finger food.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Cottage Pie (inspired by my mother, my laziness and those 4 ingredient ladies)

1 pkt french onion soup mix
1 kg beef mince
3 cups frozen vegetable mix
1 kg potatoes, something like Desiree - a good mashing variety
grated cheese enough to cover potato mash

Brown mince (drain off fat if there's excess), add soup mix and frozen mixed veg. Pour mince mix into casserole dish. Preheat oven to 180° fan forced.

Peel, dice, boil and mash potatoes. Spoon mash on top of meat, sprinkle grated cheese and bake until cheese melted and browned (approx 10 mins)
* * * * * * * * * * *

Then I gave myself a bit of a pantry challenge (thanks Ready Steady Cook for the inspiration) and attempted a newbie which I couldn't help but tinker with... Bean and tomato sausage hotpot which we had with polenta. Again, cooked a double batch of the polenta, refrigerated half in a greased lamington tray and cut into finger sized pieces make more great finger food for little peoples. I'm going to dabble with adding veggies / flavour to the polenta and see what comes of it.

Sadly the horde of hungry hungry hippos attacked all of the above before I could take any pretty photos... grrrr.... But all the finger foods and freezable meals will serve us well as we are about to embark upon the outlaws belated xmas 4 day clan gathering. And if you've read my previous post, this will be all kinds of joy for me.

So Jan 4, 2011 : today's gratitude comes from my husband who thanked me for being organised (for a recent change) and my forward planning. It's so nice to hear that, he doesn't have to say but when he did, I almost blushed- go figure !?!

ahhhh... I can feel it already

2011-01-03T23:36:00.002+11:00

I can look back and with a relaxing sigh, happily say today was a great day (squishy tummy aside).

Nothing momentous happened, in fact cause of said squishy tummy, I miss a much anticipated BBQ at a domestic kitchen goddess' and her wonderful Brazilian husband's place - that's fancy talk for these people know how to cook !!!

But what did take place was small steps in a new, fresh and free direction.

I believe, along with a lot of other tid bits from all over the place, in the idea that your life, your mind, your heart etc have a limited holding capacity and needs to be cleansed / purged to serve you better and help you move forward. That we spend as much if not more energy on holding onto that which does not serve us (again fancy for crap) than we do trying to achieve things.

Or more commonly referred to as "Out with old and in with the new". And it was what we (finally) got rid of today that created the most excitement. Not to mention allowed me to strike off the first of my 2011 wish list. Interestingly it was hubby that started the ball rolling today and since having done my daily facebook check up, there is something in the air for all of us... reason being :

"During the new Moon in Capricorn Pluto conjoins Pallas which is excellent for recognizing the deadwood in your life and clearing it out. Pallas also helps you step back and see the big picture, allowing you to find the perspective you need to sort our the important issues from the trivial. - Janine SOL"

And here is one little girl who got rid of something i.e. the side of her cot and gained some pretty cool glow in the dark stickers... plus mummy gained a massive 3.5hr day nap for it too! Happy dances all round !

proud as punch

out like a light

So Jan 3 2011 : I feel like I can breathe a little easier with a little less clutter and excited giggles filling the air

Weaning the Twins : aka I want my boobs back !

2011-01-03T01:38:00.000+11:00

In my ongoing and ever changing plan for 2011, weaning the dynamic duo from breast to cow's milk is VERY high on the agenda, as my body has basically not been my own for over 3 years. Now I want it back!

Having breastfeed my eldest for 13 months until she self weaned when I feel pregnant again, I set myself the the personal milestone to breastfeed the bubs (based on supply being forthcoming that was) for a minimum of 6 months but maximum of 12 months. Now we've reached that maximum milestone, it's time to make good on a pact with myself and commit to weaning them off the boob.

And while I can happily say that so far that things are going reasonably well, it is still fraught with angst for me. In my lack of down time juggling 3 under 3, breastfeeding was a forced, yet wonderful time and space for me to stop, sit down, focus and simply connect with the bubs.

holding hands

I looked forward to it and cherished the moments of stroking their head, playing with their feet and often stopping them from poking each other in the eye. I love the ease in which a feed can provide so much nurturing and comfort when sick, tired or distressed. For me breastfeeding has simply been magical, I am have been truly blessed to be have been able to have this with all 3 of my kids. But I worry that I won't get that I'll get caught up in the day and not find time to just be with them. Not to mention what my boobs will be like post 3 years torture :o$

So now I seem to be almost fighting myself not to give into a feed, especially since in the past couple of months with their mobility and developing understanding of situations, feeding become almost comical. I'd show the duo that I had the feeding pillow, sign milk (Auslan) and sit myself down on the floor. Those two crazy kids would stop / drop what they were doing and come speed crawling, giggling their heads off toward me - who wouldn't love that?

On the flip side : feeding takes so much out of you if you're not taking the best care, and lets be honest, I'm not. Sadly part of my 2011 plan is to move 'me' up the ladder in terms of importance, hence another reason to wean. So logic, timing, health and surprisingly a lot of pressure from external parties (those who care about me) will no doubt make this happen. Not to mention the return to nice lingerie and spaghetti straps... ohh how I have missed you guys!

So Jan 2 2011 : I am grateful for the ability to breastfeed my 3 gorgeous kids, the bond is has allowed me to develop with them, all the added health benefits etc it brings and I will be brutally honest - the money it has saved me.

And how a loving big sister is being super attentive to bottles being dropped, marshaling rolling babies back onto their cushions and simply joining in on the new found fun

Howdy Stranger

2011-01-01T21:49:00.001+11:00

Welcome 2011 - it's so lovely to meet you, I do hope we can be great friends...

Unlike your predecessor 2010 who was, well lets just say no less than a Caring Understanding Nice Type... yes that's right ladies and gentlemen, I was less than impressed by what transpired during 2010 but now to completely negate that statement, I do try very hard to live without regret and to see the lesson within hardships and heartache as it helps to shape and teach me to be the person I am today.

In a plan (not a NYR) to create more positiveness, gratitude and calm in my life I am going to have a red hot go at blogging everyday - even if it's just a photo or a saying but I want to commit myself to having a set plan to STOP (hammer time) and take stock, reflect on what the day has brought to me and basically give thanks.

I have always had the ability to create more of what I feel. And lately that, well I felt like shit !!! And wouldn't you know it, a whole heap of shit is exactly what life threw at me !#@$! So to embrace one of my favourite sayings :

You can not change people or situations,

You can only change how you react to them.

I am going to change MY view, my mindset, my habits.

Because sitting in the corner being a sad sack, letting my depression suck me under, is not exactly what I had in mind for a 2011 game plan !

* * * * * * * * * * *

So Jan 1 2011 : I admit it's ironic in my first steps towards a brighter and better life not only for myself but in turn for my family, the owner of this tiny little foot and it's partner in crime both took their 1st steps as upright and vertical beings!

The elation, the pride and warmth at such a milestone is wonderful enough and something I will hold and cherish throughout the year, but I am also eternally grateful that not only did both my babies choose the same day to achieve this, but that my hubby was home and there to share as well {happy sigh}

Mind you, only moments later the dynamic duo then turned their hand at climbing - of which I am none to happy about! LOL

Well this marks the start to what I will make an amazing year. I wish you and your loved ones much peace, joy, love, health and happiness in the year to come xox

12 Steps

2010-11-13T09:37:00.001+11:00

OMG have you ever actually read the 12 steps for AA members? Please do so if you haven't... Now in my ignorance, I never realised that it was so god focused. And with that, I can't help but think it's a great way of putting the issue in someone else's lap and expecting them to fix it - am I wrong? So while I was initially going to parody the 12 steps, I will rewrite them for myself.

12 Steps for DW's PND

~1st draft~

Openly admit and discuss my depression
Set up a support network (family, friends and professionals) to help create space in which to address depression
STOP - stop everything and be still for a minimum of 5 minutes a day - breathe
Remember to be kind to myself and remind others that they need to be kind with me
Know that if it doesn't get done, the world will not crumble beneath my feet
Create a regular occasion / event / activity for just myself away from the kids
Accept the help that is offered and not to say NO
Re connect with those whom I have withdrawn from
Make the change that enables getting out of the friggen house
Realise it took two to make this mess (ie kids) and it should be two that cares for them
Do not try to become what I once was, but discover who I am now
Embrace the new me with open arms and a loving heart

Searching for the Dragon

2010-11-11T23:36:00.000+11:00

Hi my name is DragonWithin and I have had Post Natal Depression (PND) for 15 odd months now...

They say admitting you have a problem is half the solution. Well I will agree, admitting I have PND or at very least depression is a HUGE step for me. And clearly the fact that I've had it for at least 15 months and not breathed a word to anyone outside a selected half dozen people, speaks volumes towards the shame and pride issues that go along with this... lets call it a "condition"

It began in the later stages of my pregnancy with the sheer overwhelm of the impending dynamic duo. Now it's a continuation of that overwhelm combined with exhaustion (my duo still don't sleep through the night), a sense of being trapped, stress in all forms and a loss of who I idenitify myself as.

But today, today in the wee hours of the morning after getting up to the kids, I hit the wall in rather spectacular fashion and decided that enough was enough, I needed to out myself to the greater network of my life (thank you facebook) and trust I would not be burned by this exposure of vulnerability which I have spent majority of my life venomously avoiding.

So here I am picking up the threads of this blog (and my life) and hoping that I can use this medium as a vehicle to push my much contracted boundaries, ask for help, learn to trust people, become softer but not a victim and process the journey that is this experience in my life. I realise that by not talking to anyone about what I'm going through only allows me to further internalise the pain, scrutinise it and completely blow it out of context without argument.

SOOO.... I have already taken myself off to the quacks, got my "Mental Health Plan" - yeah cheers, like that doesn't make one feel like they're a bee's dick away from a padded room with a nice white wrap around jacket !?! But anywho, this entitles this little dragon to 12 medicare funded consultations with a mental health worker / social worker / counsellor / psychologist = shrink. And after 2 rather unsavoury encounters with less than suitable professionals of this field, I have found myself a rather bright (personality), straightforward, no nonsense encouraging lady with whom to unload my mish mash of misery.

And here is where I will begin my search for the Dragon I lost within....

Twin things

2010-07-01T00:20:00.000+10:00

You know I really thought the general public were smarter, that people were nicer, but nothing provokes unwarranted attention and remarks like multiple babies. I'm sure there are many, many other things in the world that also provokes the tactless general public, but nothing else in this little dragon's universe.

Now I poured through books, attended info nights, chatted online and face to face with other parents of multiples and was warned, but I completely underestimated what a freak show I was to become. I mean the twins alone is enough but throw my toddler into the mix and the general public just can not control themselves!

Kids (who I can forgive to a large extent) point, gasp, oooh and ahhh, and of course state the obvious "look two babies" :o)

But other people literally stand right in front of the pram, preventing us from moving. And god forbid I don't have the sun canopy all the way down (even indoors), they stick their heads in/under so as to get a good old goosey gander at the dynamic duo. I'm often left growling to myself, get away from the babies !!!

They mutter passing remarks : ohh twins, double trouble, what a handful, ohh my, how cute, ohh look... etc

They point and instruct anyone they may be with to have a sticky beak as well. But if eye contact is made, the look can be anywhere from a nice smile to raised eyebrows and rolling eyes.

But my *real* fav is the statements made and questions asked....
• are they twins?
• are they identical?
• boys or girls?
• do twins run in your family?
• how do you cope?
• I always wanted twins
• you really do have your hands full
• wow you are lucky
• aren't you clever
• you poor thing…

So please allow me to respond in the two fashions that is dependant on a) how much time I don’t have and b) what mood I'm in :

are they twins?
- yes
- no, I found one on the side of the road
are they identical?
- no
- yes, but I got the optional extras on one or my husband’s response: no, one’s a got a penis!
boys or girls?
- a boy and a girl
- (please note while i loath it, they are more often than not dress in gender specific clothing) so I just stare at them
do twins run in your family?
- yes
- yes but you don't tend to think of that while you're having sex
how do you cope?
- you just do
- i don't
I always wanted twins
- really?
- you just say that cause you don't have them
you really do have your hands full
- yes
- you think?
wow you are lucky
- yes i am, thank you
- lucky is another word for it
aren't you clever
- thank you
- being clever has nothing to do with it

C'MON people are you freaking kidding me? Am I just that sleep deprived, hormonal and oversensitive? I know one of my intolerances is stupidity, and the because I remember enough of 7th grade Biology class to know if it is a boy and a girl it ain't IDENTICAL !

I mean hello, would you think an apple and an orange are identical because they're both fruit???

I rest my case...

Time flies when you're ....

2010-06-28T00:41:00.000+10:00

Holy hell where did that month go? My last blog was late May and we're now about to wrap up June. I haven't posted anything and I feel slightly guilty about it. I know I shouldn't, it's not like I’ve been twiddling my thumbs raising 3 kids and all, but what did I do last month? Let's see :

I've nursed 7 cases of the cold/flu
Entertained the concept (and cost) of returning to college
Watched my share portfolio crash… again
Dismissed the concept (and cost) of returning to college
Attended Mum and Bub dance classes
Hosted dinner parties
Started a community health course
Faced 2 very old demons (people) of my past
Left community health course
Treated a teething toddler for 3 of the 2yr old molars
Mourned the anniversary of family member's passing
Celebrated my daughter's 2nd birthday, 3 days later…
Been visited by all versions of family and friends for said 2yr old birthday cause I didn't want to deal with organising a party (bad choice on my behalf, party would have been easier in the long run)
Seen the return of my carpal tunnel syndrome
Helped a friend start a new business
Broke in a new support volunteer
Saw a close friend move overseas
Relished and lamented at 48hrs away from the kids
Celebrated our wedding anniversary
Enjoyed my first taste of real French cuisine (aka snails)
Farewelled my past in one hell of a messy/drunken swan song
Nursed myself through the mother of all hangovers
Joined a playgroup
Started the duo on solids
Sprained my back
Essentially paid for my chiropractor’s next holiday in fees treating sprained back
Review household and revisit baby proofing for little rolling / crawling peoples
Buy and install new car seats to stop the screaming babies
Progressively increase distance driven with the trio, testing new car seats
Fell over while holding a baby
Participated in 3 market research product trials
By some grace of the gods, we have been the recipient of a large flat screen TV, a HD set top box, a Wii console, a new laptop and a multi function centre.

Phew….

Like a friend recently blogged, we’re all SO busy these days, I mean who isn’t?

Sure my month has been full on, with all the ups and downs listed above, but I have 3 happy gorgeous children, a husband who loves me and that I adore, an amazingly supportive family and network of friends. Not to mention, food in the fridge and a roof over my dragon den.

So what did you do last month, do you even remember but more importantly what are you grateful for this past month?

OMG that goes grey too?

2010-05-22T00:28:00.000+10:00

Now I’m sure you’re thinking ohhh good lord she’s going to talk about pubic hair isn’t she? Well no I’m not going to talk about pubes cause if you didn’t know that gem of a brunette’s decay, then you’ve packed your bags and moved to Egypt, cause you’re in denial or you’re young or a blonde that doesn’t have to worry about it and honestly, I hate you right now. But mostly the fact about grey pubes is that at my stage of the game is that if and I mean if :

a) actually do feel like hopping on the good foot AND

b) have mentally gotten past all the stretch marks and wobbly bits

...then clearly I am far too drunk to give a rats about grey pubes!

No, what shocked the crap out of me in the going grey department, was grey in my eyebrows! Now going grey really does my head in. It's not like I’m not a vain person, well I thought I wasn’t until I started getting grey hairs… But now at least once a day, you can catch me at the mirror with a pair of tweezers, systematically going through my hair on a 'grey hair witch hunt'.

Mind you, should my grey hair congregate in one neat little patch near the front left of my hairline like Polgara from the David Eddings books, I would totally be jiggy with that, cause she was cool and not mention, a kick arse powerful sorceress.

And at least for the most part, turning grey is a respected transition from the maiden to the crone with the implication of achieved wisdom but grey eyebrows? They just make me simply think of Santa – a fat guy with bad fashion sense that you see once a year, who goes about buying your affection with the promise of gifts.

Grey hair in your eyebrows is a crime against humanity and dragons alike I tell you!

Hunting pride

2010-05-19T23:17:00.001+10:00

As you may previously read, I am waging war on the cockroaches that have in their infinite wisdom decided adopt the “mi casa es su casa” philosophy and make my place their damn home. So in a recent midnight rampage after seeing just one too many of their kindred in the kitchen, I moved, dismantled, swore at, then cleaned, sprayed and baited everything. I was so enraged and determined to put this to an end.

I kid you not, within 24hrs, I was seeing the fruits of may lunatic like labours. Those dirty like critters were staggering like drunks out of a bar. And every time I saw one, I pounced with glee upon it ‘passing it over to it’s maker’ I even took sick delight when I noticed if it was carrying an egg sack – felt like I got a 2 for 1 deal mawahahaha…

But my greatest joy came from seeing my 2 yr old hatchling stomp on one and exclaim in an unnecessarily loud voice “I got it!” “Look mummy, look”

Yes sweety you did and mummy is so so proud of her little huntress :o)

It's alive...

2010-05-18T00:04:00.003+10:00

Like Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein, my poor little pc has been pieced together from different bits and pieces and miraculously brought back to life (thanks techo Dad). I tell you this for 2 reasons :
1) to explain my absence since my dramatic entrance into the blogging realms and
2) to share with you my shocking revelation that I’m a computer or ‘pooter’ as my 2yr old calls it, addict.

You see, the universes’ mysterious yet caustically humorous irony is not lost on this little dragon. No sooner than I start blogging and purging my vast array of thoughts into a word holding pen than my poor pc up and shits itself. Nothing fancy like a virus or corrupted files where I can’t do something here or there, no it’s a straight to the heart of the matter power failure – it would not even start. Now the irony lies in, no sooner do I start moving into the perception that I “NEED” my pc everyday rather than it being a resource in my home, than it’s taken away from me cold turkey. And bugger me if I didn’t drop straight into a deep ugly pointy withdrawal hell hole.

I grew up with my mother telling me I had to ‘be careful’ as I had my birth father's addictive personality trait, so I needless to say, I skated dangerously thin through all those experimental phases of youth - boys, drugs and drink but never, I mean NEVER did I think I would have to ‘be careful’ when it came to a computer. It's not like I do anything exciting like play online games, bet on the GG's or watch porn (honestly while very enjoyable, doodles are not in the slightest bit pretty, I do not wish to see them bouncing around my screen). I mean aside from checking emails, listening to itunes, internet banking, googling recipes, updating facebook, grocery shopping, instant messaging friends and this blog, that’s my sum total of pc usage. Ok now I’ve written that, it’s not as minimal as I originally thought… but none the less, I by no means did not expect my reaction, nor my 2yr old’s and husband’s reaction to be what it was.

I – I felt lost, disconnected from the world and very frustrated not having instant 24/7 access / response / control of my world. I hated that my knee jerk action to resolve most situations was to use the computer.

My 2yr old - kept asking for the ‘pooter’ to watch the video of herself riding horse (repeatedly on loop) and would ask to find her a new pooter when it was explained that ours was broken. Now someone her age shouldn’t be concerned with such technology, it should be playing and causing mischief. Had I instilled my bad habit in her already?

My husband – well, he was glad. Yep, he told me how nice it was to not have to look at the back of my head. And wow, didn’t that just cut to the core of me….

So what now? Well I’m making a pact to this dragonwithin,

the pc will not be turned on during the day unless all everyone is asleep to ensure my kids have my full focus
if I need the pc for anything during the day, I will turn it on, do what I have to and turn it back off
I will use my (new) ipod and speakers to listen to all my music rather than itunes
I will fart arse around on the pc in my own time ie 10pm till dawn LOL

And while this little dragon doesn’t like limits, rules or boundaries (I have a nasty habit of breaking the aforementioned just for shits and giggles), an exercise in self discipline will not go astray!

Watch this space

2010-05-11T13:51:00.002+10:00

No I haven't run off and joined the circus even though my ability to juggle kids, I'd be a shoe in. No, i've just encountered a small technical difficulty, namely my pc and finding time. Shocking I know, but never the less true!

Thankfully, a kind friend has lent me her netbook, but even that has it's downfalls :o)

So please continue to watch this space (and not the one between my ears where my brain resided before children), this dragon will be back in full swing quicker than you can explain to a toddler that f*#k is a bad word, yes Mummy shouldn't said it, no please don't repeat it, especially not in front of Nanna !!!

Hair today, gone tomorrow

2010-04-22T06:06:00.000+10:00

It never ceases to amaze me how much we change our hair and how much it changes us. Recently I liberated myself from a thousand years worth, ok slight exaggeration, of hair and all the 'identity' that went with this mountain of hair. I mean people literally do not recognise me anymore. (Which worked in my favour when an old shag of mine served us at the baby store where my husband and I were buying our new twin pram! There’s a ‘please ground just open up and swallow me’ moment for you…) Honestly, I’ve had friends walk right past me.

Now I'm not pointing fingers at the general public for identifying me by a simple attribute, because until I shed this awesome mane of hair I beheld (as you can see, it was a little longer than the average bear's), I didn't realised how much this dragon identified herself by it. I was “that girl with the LONG hair...” and I had sat comfortably in that self perception.

But against the protests of my mother and my previous hairdresser, who had known me since I was knee high to a grasshoper, I went and got the cut I have always thought about but was never game enough to get. And after a brief hour of catching up on the latest celebrity trash magazines and scoffing at the hollywood twin mums ~~bitches~~ who bounced back to their size 6 bodies, it was done! And it was perfect, ok well not 100% perfect – I am a virgo after all, lets just say it was AWESOME! I could feel the breeze on the back of my head and couldn’t run my fingers through it, it was something I’ve never experienced before and it was liberating. I looked in the mirror and thought, I wasn’t a boring old housewife and mother of 3, that had saggy bits where my virility and libido were implied, no I was a new me, an excited new me.

I guess, Physically - like the rings of a tree or the layers of sediment in stone, my hair carried a log of easily over 7 years of my ill spent youth (a strange coincidence that this falls in line with the Saturn 7 year cycle, but I digress into astrology) What I ate, drank, 'took', hell even what my hormones where doing was recorded in my hair. Bloody CSI would have a field day! I even remember in science class, a fellow student was so intrigued by my hair that they yanked one strand out and measured it... it was over 1m long! Fact : maximum growth rate for hair is about 6 inches (15 cm) per year. I mean, I'm only 5’2” - that stuff was nearly 2/3's of my height.

And Energetically - along with all those chemical markers, were all my thoughts and feelings experienced over that time, imprinted on those long long strands. Along with the radiant, shinning and glorious feelings was all that angst, awkwardness, insecurity, embarrassment, regret, uncertainty, rage etc that the rollercoaster of life brings you to help define you, well it did for me. I mean imagine carrying that much crap around with you like a thundercloud? It’s not like your family don’t give enough baggage to carry around HA!

Now some of you would be saying what the hell is she going on about? But the science aside, I believe in Universal Energy. Yep that hippy tree hugging stuff, although I do like to shower, shave and brush said hair and I’m not a fan Patchouli or Lavender oils. I do however believe there is energy in everything we say and do, not just in the nature around us. So much like the Hindi Mundan Ceremony, the cut of my locks helped release my soul to a greater freedom. I had shed my thundercloud and was now projecting a new rush of fresh energy out to the world. It was an amazing feeling, like having a summer’s breeze under my wings again.

So proud of this brave little dragon, I posted my new 'do' on facebook and received so so many wonderful comments. And that my friends made this dragon within purr….

The cockroach wars

2010-04-21T01:03:00.000+10:00

Did you know : Cockroaches are able to live one month without food or remaining alive headless for up to a week, cockroaches are one of the hardiest insects on the planet - nice ha ?

Until a couple of months ago, I had a long standing arrangement with the insect / creepy crawly realms which stemmed from regular unwanted visits from the local Goliath huntsman spiders and coming home not once but twice to grasshoppers in my unit. Yes you read right, big old green Jiminy Cricket on the wall of my top floor unit. How he got there I will never know.

The agreement was : I don’t come into your home, please don’t come into mine. If you do come into mine, I will be forced to kill you. And trust me, I will pass you over to your maker quicker than you can say BOO! Or twitch some little antenna… ohh whatever… you know what I mean.

Now I’m not one to kill first and question later (although my husband would beg to differ) which is why I ‘put it out there’ so I wouldn’t have to unnecessarily become the grim reaper. But recently it seems the aforementioned agreement could not withstand
a) both the unit beside us and below us being gutted, read as previous hidey holes,
b) crazy bug breeding weather and
c) me not having time or energy to reinforce my ethereal intent.

And now I am under attack !!!
Thankfully, I as I type this I touch wood and give true thanks to the heavens above, I’ve not seen the return of Jiminy or Goliath. But my lordy me, I have never seen so damn many friggen cockroaches. But it’s not limited to just cockroaches. Suddenly I’m finding daddy long legs, fruit flies, silverfish, slaters, beetles, moths etc… the little sized bugs.

It’s driving me INSANE. I mean, the neighbours must think I have a nasty case of tourettes the way I yell obscenities and bash madly after the offending bug. And it all flies in the face (pardon the pun) of my lifestyle for lack of better words. What I’m trying to say, is that I’m / we’re not grubby people. And these damned bugs are making me feel that way. I'm starting to doubt myself, should I be doing more to stop it? Although there are only so many hours in the day to juggle everything and everyone.

So I’m starting to consider getting a pest exterminator in to deal with it all. But that too, is not my style. I don’t do harsh chemicals, hell I have babies in the house. However, it is also FOR the babies that I want to get rid of these bugs. Just the thought they may be running over a toy, a dummy etc makes my blood run cold. Then there’s the prospect of having to clear out all the shelves, move furniture – it just makes my head hurt. Especially when I know we will be moving soon and basically doing all that clearing shifting anyway. As to when that move will happen, I don’t know (that’s a whole other blog topic right there) but it has to be before the wonder duo are too mobile.

Basically I don’t know what to do. Just suck it up and bring forth dragon’s hell fire on their multi legged arses or just wait it out and do it after we move? Arrhhgggg…

Mother Out Law Experience (aka MOLE) bawahahaha….

2010-04-21T00:14:00.000+10:00

After nearly 3 years of marriage, I have FINALLY had an epiphany about the degradation of my relationship with my mother in law. In one of many thousands of conversations (aka bitch sessions) had with girlfriends about our partners family, and strangely enough it always seems to weigh heavily on the poor mother in laws, I was asked : if you could have the "perfect" relationship in your eyes how would it be?

Initally, not only did I glaze over the question when asked but then when my friend asked me to answer her, I proceeded to attack the question the wrong way with all they won’t blah blah blah… she won’t blah blah blah … And again she patiently asked me : but what do you want it to be like?

Well, I wanted them to be my family, act like my family. Then it hit me, how can I expect them to be and act like my family when I’m not treating them like MY family? I had failed at acting upon one of my favourite mantras in life :

You can not change people or situations; you can only change how YOU react to them

So, the very next visit, I didn’t sit making idle small talk and wait upon them with tea and baked goods (mind you, I am a huge fan of the ol’ baked goods with a cup of tea when I get a chance to sit my fat arse down – which ain’t that often) I simply went about getting housework and all those other things I can’t get done when I’m alone with twin infants and a toddler.

When my poor family visits, it’s all hands on deck. They know how this dragon rolls. My conversations are bellowed from room to the other as I go about things, you make your own bloody cuppa, if it cries – you settle it, if it vomits – you grab a cloth and wipe it, if you smell ‘it’- you change it’s butt. There’s no handing a kid back. And there is NO last minute panicked cleaning before they arrive (but that’s a slightly different issue that I’m sure we’ll touch on at another time). Because MY family comes to visit ME, not just coo at the kids.

Now I can’t say with any certainty that they understood the change in my behaviour, but I sure as hell know that it was heavily noted, with the many requests to have me “just sit down for a minute” To which I replied, no thank you, I would much prefer to make the most of the extra sets of hands in the house.

And when they left, I felt good (and I still do). I had stood in my own power and changed how I responded rather than be false to their faces and stewed about their actions until I could literally breathe fire.

Of course, being very proud and full of myself (as is a dragon’s nature) I then hopped on messenger and proceeded to thank my friend for her gift in my epiphany :oP

I just couldn't help myself...

2010-04-19T23:34:00.000+10:00

What started as a couple of curiosity questions about bogging & blogs due to a recent influx of friends starting their own blogs has lead me here (and it only took about an hour to get to this point) You see I need to journal more these days, but I never get the time. Ohh time my elusive friend... ohh how I miss thee, let me count the ways - no wait, i don't have time, I'll get back to you later. Journalling - it allows me to put this constant internal monologue of observations, thoughts and feelings down somewhere. I need to get them out of my head so I can concentrate on the screaming task in front of me. It also allows me to process events in my life in a more objective manner.

Then of course there's the whole loathing of handwriting, not just how it looks but how it pains my hand. Yes, it physically pains me to write for extended periods. It's not muscle wastage from being a Gen Z unable to do anything non techo, no it's fair more boring like carpal tunnel syndrome from my 1st pregnancy (yes I am a breeder). And no matter how many different coloured and/or glittery pens and gorgeous books I use, it's just not my thing. This dragon don't hand write sister.

Like many of my actual generation, I've fallen victim to facebook. Where I've developed an interesting addiction to people knowing whats happening in my life and waiting for their response. So like a big ol' fb status update, here begins my very own blog !!!

Now to prepare you, I am random, blunt, a little crass, left of centre (in more ways than one), oddly humorous, unable to spell to save my life but mostly human. I hope this will be a no holds bar brain dump of my life in all it's facets as I change my chameleon colours. How long this will last, only the universe will know. I'm great on the ideas/start up phase - it's the follow through that is sorely lacking...

I blame my dragon within for this bad habit - you see many eons ago, they used to offer sacrifices, virgins, gold and the like to honour the dragon. The spoils were forth coming and all they had to do is sit there and look menacing. Grrrr....