12 Steps

OMG have you ever actually read the 12 steps for AA members?  Please do so if you haven't... Now in my ignorance, I never realised that it was so god focused.  And with that, I can't help but think it's a great way of putting the issue in someone else's lap and expecting them to fix it - am I wrong?  So while I was initially going to parody the 12 steps, I will rewrite them for myself.

12 Steps for DW's PND

~1st draft~

1. Openly admit and discuss my depression
2. Set up a support network (family, friends and professionals) to help create space in which to address depression
3. STOP - stop everything and be still for a minimum of 5 minutes a day - breathe
4. Remember to be kind to myself and remind others that they need to be kind with me
5. Know that if it doesn't get done, the world will not crumble beneath my feet
6. Create a regular occasion / event / activity for just myself away from the kids
7. Accept the help that is offered and not to say NO
8. Re connect with those whom I have withdrawn from
9. Make the change that enables getting out of the friggen house
10. Realise it took two to make this mess (ie kids) and it should be two that cares for them
11. Do not try to become what I once was, but discover who I am now
12. Embrace the new me with open arms and a loving heart

Searching for the Dragon

Hi my name is DragonWithin and I have had Post Natal Depression (PND) for 15 odd months now...

They say admitting you have a problem is half the solution. Well I will agree, admitting I have PND or at very least depression is a HUGE step for me.  And clearly the fact that I've had it for at least 15 months and not breathed a word to anyone outside a selected half dozen people, speaks volumes towards the shame and pride issues that go along with this... lets call it a "condition" 

It began in the later stages of my pregnancy with the sheer overwhelm of the impending dynamic duo.  Now it's a continuation of that overwhelm combined with exhaustion (my duo still don't sleep through the night), a sense of being trapped, stress in all forms and a loss of who I idenitify myself as.

But today, today in the wee hours of the morning after getting up to the kids, I hit the wall in rather spectacular fashion and decided that enough was enough, I needed to out myself to the greater network of my life (thank you facebook) and trust I would not be burned by this exposure of vulnerability which I have spent majority of my life venomously avoiding.

So here I am picking up the threads of this blog (and my life) and hoping that I can use this medium as a vehicle to push my much contracted boundaries, ask for help, learn to trust people, become softer but not a victim and process the journey that is this experience in my life.  I realise that by not talking to anyone about what I'm going through only allows me to further internalise the pain, scrutinise it and completely blow it out of context without argument. 

SOOO....  I have already taken myself off to the quacks, got my "Mental Health Plan" - yeah cheers, like that doesn't make one feel like they're a bee's dick away from a padded room with a nice white wrap around jacket !?!  But anywho, this entitles this little dragon to 12 medicare funded consultations with a mental health worker / social worker / counsellor / psychologist = shrink.  And after 2 rather unsavoury encounters with less than suitable professionals of this field, I have found myself a rather bright (personality), straightforward, no nonsense encouraging lady with whom to unload my mish mash of misery.

And here is where I will begin my search for the Dragon I lost within....