12 Steps

OMG have you ever actually read the 12 steps for AA members?  Please do so if you haven't... Now in my ignorance, I never realised that it was so god focused.  And with that, I can't help but think it's a great way of putting the issue in someone else's lap and expecting them to fix it - am I wrong?  So while I was initially going to parody the 12 steps, I will rewrite them for myself.

12 Steps for DW's PND

~1st draft~

1. Openly admit and discuss my depression
2. Set up a support network (family, friends and professionals) to help create space in which to address depression
3. STOP - stop everything and be still for a minimum of 5 minutes a day - breathe
4. Remember to be kind to myself and remind others that they need to be kind with me
5. Know that if it doesn't get done, the world will not crumble beneath my feet
6. Create a regular occasion / event / activity for just myself away from the kids
7. Accept the help that is offered and not to say NO
8. Re connect with those whom I have withdrawn from
9. Make the change that enables getting out of the friggen house
10. Realise it took two to make this mess (ie kids) and it should be two that cares for them
11. Do not try to become what I once was, but discover who I am now
12. Embrace the new me with open arms and a loving heart

Searching for the Dragon

Hi my name is DragonWithin and I have had Post Natal Depression (PND) for 15 odd months now...

They say admitting you have a problem is half the solution. Well I will agree, admitting I have PND or at very least depression is a HUGE step for me.  And clearly the fact that I've had it for at least 15 months and not breathed a word to anyone outside a selected half dozen people, speaks volumes towards the shame and pride issues that go along with this... lets call it a "condition" 

It began in the later stages of my pregnancy with the sheer overwhelm of the impending dynamic duo.  Now it's a continuation of that overwhelm combined with exhaustion (my duo still don't sleep through the night), a sense of being trapped, stress in all forms and a loss of who I idenitify myself as.

But today, today in the wee hours of the morning after getting up to the kids, I hit the wall in rather spectacular fashion and decided that enough was enough, I needed to out myself to the greater network of my life (thank you facebook) and trust I would not be burned by this exposure of vulnerability which I have spent majority of my life venomously avoiding.

So here I am picking up the threads of this blog (and my life) and hoping that I can use this medium as a vehicle to push my much contracted boundaries, ask for help, learn to trust people, become softer but not a victim and process the journey that is this experience in my life.  I realise that by not talking to anyone about what I'm going through only allows me to further internalise the pain, scrutinise it and completely blow it out of context without argument. 

SOOO....  I have already taken myself off to the quacks, got my "Mental Health Plan" - yeah cheers, like that doesn't make one feel like they're a bee's dick away from a padded room with a nice white wrap around jacket !?!  But anywho, this entitles this little dragon to 12 medicare funded consultations with a mental health worker / social worker / counsellor / psychologist = shrink.  And after 2 rather unsavoury encounters with less than suitable professionals of this field, I have found myself a rather bright (personality), straightforward, no nonsense encouraging lady with whom to unload my mish mash of misery.

And here is where I will begin my search for the Dragon I lost within....

Twin things

You know I really thought the general public were smarter, that people were nicer, but nothing provokes unwarranted attention and remarks like multiple babies. I'm sure there are many, many other things in the world that also provokes the tactless general public, but nothing else in this little dragon's universe.

Now I poured through books, attended info nights, chatted online and face to face with other parents of multiples and was warned, but I completely underestimated what a freak show I was to become. I mean the twins alone is enough but throw my toddler into the mix and the general public just can not control themselves!

Kids (who I can forgive to a large extent) point, gasp, oooh and ahhh, and of course state the obvious "look two babies"  :o)

But other people literally stand right in front of the pram, preventing us from moving. And god forbid I don't have the sun canopy all the way down (even indoors), they stick their heads in/under so as to get a good old goosey gander at the dynamic duo.  I'm often left growling to myself, get away from the babies !!!

They mutter passing remarks : ohh twins, double trouble, what a handful, ohh my, how cute, ohh look... etc

They point and instruct anyone they may be with to have a sticky beak as well.  But if eye contact is made, the look can be anywhere from a nice smile to raised eyebrows and rolling eyes.

But my *real* fav is the statements made and questions asked....
• are they twins?
• are they identical?
• boys or girls?
• do twins run in your family?
• how do you cope?
• I always wanted twins
• you really do have your hands full
• wow you are lucky
• aren't you clever
• you poor thing…

So please allow me to respond in the two fashions that is dependant on a) how much time I don’t have and b) what mood I'm in :

are they twins?
- yes
- no, I found one on the side of the road
are they identical?
- no
- yes, but I got the optional extras on one or my husband’s response: no, one’s a got a penis!
boys or girls?
- a boy and a girl
- (please note while i loath it, they are more often than not dress in gender specific clothing) so I just stare at them
do twins run in your family?
- yes
- yes but you don't tend to think of that while you're having sex
how do you cope?
- you just do
- i don't
I always wanted twins
- really?
- you just say that cause you don't have them
you really do have your hands full
- yes
- you think?
wow you are lucky
- yes i am, thank you
- lucky is another word for it
aren't you clever
- thank you
- being clever has nothing to do with it

C'MON people are you freaking kidding me?  Am I just that sleep deprived, hormonal and oversensitive?  I know one of my intolerances is stupidity, and the because I remember enough of 7th grade Biology class to know if it is a boy and a girl it ain't IDENTICAL ! 
 

I mean hello, would you think an apple and an orange are identical because they're both fruit???

 

I rest my case...

Time flies when you're ....

Holy hell where did that month go?  My last blog was late May and we're now about to wrap up June.  I haven't posted anything and I feel slightly guilty about it.  I know I shouldn't, it's not like I’ve been twiddling my thumbs raising 3 kids and all, but what did I do last month?  Let's see :

• I've nursed 7 cases of the cold/flu
• Entertained the concept (and cost) of returning to college
• Watched my share portfolio crash… again
• Dismissed the concept (and cost) of returning to college
• Attended Mum and Bub dance classes
• Hosted dinner parties
• Started a community health course
• Faced 2 very old demons (people) of my past
• Left community health course
• Treated a teething toddler for 3 of the 2yr old molars
• Mourned the anniversary of family member's passing
• Celebrated my daughter's 2nd birthday, 3 days later…
• Been visited by all versions of family and friends for said 2yr old birthday cause I didn't want to deal with organising a party (bad choice on my behalf, party would have been easier in the long run)
• Seen the return of my carpal tunnel syndrome
• Helped a friend start a new business
• Broke in a new support volunteer
• Saw a close friend move overseas
• Relished and lamented at 48hrs away from the kids
• Celebrated our wedding anniversary
• Enjoyed my first taste of real French cuisine (aka snails)
• Farewelled my past in one hell of a messy/drunken swan song
• Nursed myself through the mother of all hangovers
• Joined a playgroup
• Started the duo on solids
• Sprained my back
• Essentially paid for my chiropractor’s next holiday in fees treating sprained back
• Review household and revisit baby proofing for little rolling / crawling peoples
• Buy and install new car seats to stop the screaming babies
• Progressively increase distance driven with the trio, testing new car seats
• Fell over while holding a baby
• Participated in 3 market research product trials
• By some grace of the gods, we have been the recipient of a large flat screen TV, a HD set top box, a Wii console, a new laptop and a multi function centre.

Phew….


Like a friend recently blogged, we’re all SO busy these days, I mean who isn’t?

 

Sure my month has been full on, with all the ups and downs listed above, but I have 3 happy gorgeous children, a husband who loves me and that I adore, an amazingly supportive family and network of friends. Not to mention, food in the fridge and a roof over my dragon den.

 

So what did you do last month, do you even remember but more importantly what are you grateful for this past month?

 

OMG that goes grey too?

Now I’m sure you’re thinking ohhh good lord she’s going to talk about pubic hair isn’t she? Well no I’m not going to talk about pubes cause if you didn’t know that gem of a brunette’s decay, then you’ve packed your bags and moved to Egypt, cause you’re in denial or you’re young or a blonde that doesn’t have to worry about it and honestly, I hate you right now. But mostly the fact about grey pubes is that at my stage of the game is that if  and I mean if :

a) actually do feel like hopping on the good foot    AND

b) have mentally gotten past all the stretch marks and wobbly bits

...then clearly I am far too drunk to give a rats about grey pubes!

No, what shocked the crap out of me in the going grey department, was grey in my eyebrows!  Now going grey really does my head in.  It's not like I’m not a vain person, well I thought I wasn’t until I started getting grey hairs…  But now at least once a day, you can catch me at the mirror with a pair of tweezers, systematically going through my hair on a 'grey hair witch hunt'. 

 

Mind you, should my grey hair congregate in one neat little patch near the front left of my hairline like Polgara from the David Eddings books, I would totally be jiggy with that, cause she was cool and not mention, a kick arse powerful sorceress.

And at least for the most part, turning grey is a respected transition from the maiden to the crone with the implication of achieved wisdom but grey eyebrows?  They just make me simply think of Santa – a fat guy with bad fashion sense that you see once a year, who goes about buying your affection with the promise of gifts.

Grey hair in your eyebrows is a crime against humanity and dragons alike I tell you!

Hunting pride

As you may previously read, I am waging war on the cockroaches that have in their infinite wisdom decided adopt the “mi casa es su casa” philosophy and make my place their damn home.  So in a recent midnight rampage after seeing just one too many of their kindred in the kitchen, I moved, dismantled, swore at, then cleaned, sprayed and baited everything.  I was so enraged and determined to put this to an end.

I kid you not, within 24hrs, I was seeing the fruits of may lunatic like labours.  Those dirty like critters were staggering like drunks out of a bar.  And every time I saw one, I pounced with glee upon it ‘passing it over to it’s maker’ I even took sick delight when I noticed if it was carrying an egg sack – felt like I got a 2 for 1 deal  mawahahaha…

But my greatest joy came from seeing my 2 yr old hatchling stomp on one and exclaim in an unnecessarily loud voice “I got it!” “Look mummy, look”

Yes sweety you did and mummy is so so proud of her little huntress  :o)

It's alive...

Like Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein, my poor little pc has been pieced together from different bits and pieces and miraculously brought back to life (thanks techo Dad). I tell you this for 2 reasons :
1) to explain my absence since my dramatic entrance into the blogging realms and
2) to share with you my shocking revelation that I’m a computer or ‘pooter’ as my 2yr old calls it, addict.

You see, the universes’ mysterious yet caustically humorous irony is not lost on this little dragon. No sooner than I start blogging and purging my vast array of thoughts into a word holding pen than my poor pc up and shits itself. Nothing fancy like a virus or corrupted files where I can’t do something here or there, no it’s a straight to the heart of the matter power failure – it would not even start. Now the irony lies in, no sooner do I start moving into the perception that I “NEED” my pc everyday rather than it being a resource in my home, than it’s taken away from me cold turkey. And bugger me if I didn’t drop straight into a deep ugly pointy withdrawal hell hole.

I grew up with my mother telling me I had to ‘be careful’ as I had my birth father's addictive personality trait, so I needless to say, I skated dangerously thin through all those experimental phases of youth - boys, drugs and drink but never, I mean NEVER did I think I would have to ‘be careful’ when it came to a computer. It's not like I do anything exciting like play online games, bet on the GG's or watch porn (honestly while very enjoyable, doodles are not in the slightest bit pretty, I do not wish to see them bouncing around my screen). I mean aside from checking emails, listening to itunes, internet banking, googling recipes, updating facebook, grocery shopping, instant messaging friends and this blog, that’s my sum total of pc usage. Ok now I’ve written that, it’s not as minimal as I originally thought… but none the less, I by no means did not expect my reaction, nor my 2yr old’s and husband’s reaction to be what it was.

I – I felt lost, disconnected from the world and very frustrated not having instant 24/7 access / response / control of my world. I hated that my knee jerk action to resolve most situations was to use the computer.

My 2yr old - kept asking for the ‘pooter’ to watch the video of herself riding horse (repeatedly on loop) and would ask to find her a new pooter when it was explained that ours was broken. Now someone her age shouldn’t be concerned with such technology, it should be playing and causing mischief. Had I instilled my bad habit in her already?

My husband – well, he was glad. Yep, he told me how nice it was to not have to look at the back of my head. And wow, didn’t that just cut to the core of me….

So what now? Well I’m making a pact to this dragonwithin,

• the pc will not be turned on during the day unless all everyone is asleep to ensure my kids have my full focus
• if I need the pc for anything during the day, I will turn it on, do what I have to and turn it back off
• I will use my (new) ipod and speakers to listen to all my music rather than itunes
• I will fart arse around on the pc in my own time ie 10pm till dawn LOL
  

And while this little dragon doesn’t like limits, rules or boundaries (I have a nasty habit of breaking the aforementioned just for shits and giggles), an exercise in self discipline will not go astray!

Watch this space

No I haven't run off and joined the circus even though my ability to juggle kids, I'd be a shoe in. No, i've just encountered a small technical difficulty, namely my pc and finding time. Shocking I know, but never the less true!

Thankfully, a kind friend has lent me her netbook, but even that has it's downfalls :o)

So please continue to watch this space (and not the one between my ears where my brain resided before children), this dragon will be back in full swing quicker than you can explain to a toddler that f*#k is a bad word, yes Mummy shouldn't said it, no please don't repeat it, especially not in front of Nanna !!!

Hair today, gone tomorrow

It never ceases to amaze me how much we change our hair and how much it changes us.  Recently I liberated myself from a thousand years worth, ok slight exaggeration, of hair and all the 'identity' that went with this mountain of hair.  I mean people literally do not recognise me anymore. (Which worked in my favour when an old shag of mine served us at the baby store where my husband and I were buying our new twin pram! There’s a ‘please ground just open up and swallow me’ moment for you…) Honestly, I’ve had friends walk right past me.


Now I'm not pointing fingers at the general public for identifying me by a simple attribute, because until I shed this awesome mane of hair I beheld (as you can see, it was a little longer than the average bear's), I didn't realised how much this dragon identified herself by it. I was “that girl with the LONG hair...” and I had sat comfortably in that self perception.

But against the protests of my mother and my previous hairdresser, who had known me since I was knee high to a grasshoper, I went and got the cut I have always thought about but was never game enough to get. And after a brief hour of catching up on the latest celebrity trash magazines and scoffing at the hollywood twin mums bitches who bounced back to their size 6 bodies, it was done! And it was perfect, ok well not 100% perfect – I am a virgo after all, lets just say it was AWESOME!  I could feel the breeze on the back of my head and couldn’t run my fingers through it, it was something I’ve never experienced before and it was liberating.  I looked in the mirror and thought, I wasn’t a boring old housewife and mother of 3, that had saggy bits where my virility and libido were implied, no I was a new me, an excited new me.

I guess, Physically - like the rings of a tree or the layers of sediment in stone, my hair carried a log of easily over 7 years of my ill spent youth (a strange coincidence that this falls in line with the Saturn 7 year cycle, but I digress into astrology)  What I ate, drank, 'took', hell even what my hormones where doing was recorded in my hair.  Bloody CSI would have a field day!  I even remember in science class, a fellow student was so intrigued by my hair that they yanked one strand out and measured it... it was over 1m long!  Fact : maximum growth rate for hair is about 6 inches (15 cm) per year.  I mean, I'm only 5’2” - that stuff was nearly 2/3's of my height.

And Energetically - along with all those chemical markers, were all my thoughts and feelings experienced over that time, imprinted on those long long strands.  Along with the radiant, shinning and glorious feelings was all that angst, awkwardness, insecurity, embarrassment, regret, uncertainty, rage etc that the rollercoaster of life brings you to help define you, well it did for me.  I mean imagine carrying that much crap around with you like a thundercloud? It’s not like your family don’t give enough baggage to carry around HA!

Now some of you would be saying what the hell is she going on about?  But the science aside, I believe in Universal Energy. Yep that hippy tree hugging stuff, although I do like to shower, shave and brush said hair and I’m not a fan Patchouli or Lavender oils.  I do however believe there is energy in everything we say and do, not just in the nature around us.  So much like the Hindi Mundan Ceremony, the cut of my locks helped release my soul to a greater freedom.  I had shed my thundercloud and was now projecting a new rush of fresh energy out to the world.  It was an amazing feeling, like having a summer’s breeze under my wings again.

So proud of this brave little dragon, I posted my new 'do' on facebook and received so so many wonderful comments.  And that my friends made this dragon within purr….

The cockroach wars

Did you know : Cockroaches are able to live one month without food or remaining alive headless for up to a week, cockroaches are one of the hardiest insects on the planet - nice ha ?


Until a couple of months ago, I had a long standing arrangement with the insect / creepy crawly realms which stemmed from regular unwanted visits from the local Goliath huntsman spiders and coming home not once but twice to grasshoppers in my unit. Yes you read right, big old green Jiminy Cricket on the wall of my top floor unit. How he got there I will never know.

The agreement was : I don’t come into your home, please don’t come into mine. If you do come into mine, I will be forced to kill you. And trust me, I will pass you over to your maker quicker than you can say BOO! Or twitch some little antenna… ohh whatever… you know what I mean.

Now I’m not one to kill first and question later (although my husband would beg to differ) which is why I ‘put it out there’ so I wouldn’t have to unnecessarily become the grim reaper. But recently it seems the aforementioned agreement could not withstand
a) both the unit beside us and below us being gutted, read as previous hidey holes,
b) crazy bug breeding weather and
c) me not having time or energy to reinforce my ethereal intent.

And now I am under attack !!!
Thankfully, I as I type this I touch wood and give true thanks to the heavens above, I’ve not seen the return of Jiminy or Goliath. But my lordy me, I have never seen so damn many friggen cockroaches. But it’s not limited to just cockroaches. Suddenly I’m finding daddy long legs, fruit flies, silverfish, slaters, beetles, moths etc… the little sized bugs.

It’s driving me INSANE. I mean, the neighbours must think I have a nasty case of tourettes the way I yell obscenities and bash madly after the offending bug. And it all flies in the face (pardon the pun) of my lifestyle for lack of better words. What I’m trying to say, is that I’m / we’re not grubby people. And these damned bugs are making me feel that way. I'm starting to doubt myself, should I be doing more to stop it? Although there are only so many hours in the day to juggle everything and everyone.

So I’m starting to consider getting a pest exterminator in to deal with it all. But that too, is not my style. I don’t do harsh chemicals, hell I have babies in the house. However, it is also FOR the babies that I want to get rid of these bugs. Just the thought they may be running over a toy, a dummy etc makes my blood run cold. Then there’s the prospect of having to clear out all the shelves, move furniture – it just makes my head hurt. Especially when I know we will be moving soon and basically doing all that clearing shifting anyway. As to when that move will happen, I don’t know (that’s a whole other blog topic right there) but it has to be before the wonder duo are too mobile.

Basically I don’t know what to do. Just suck it up and bring forth dragon’s hell fire on their multi legged arses or just wait it out and do it after we move? Arrhhgggg…

Mother Out Law Experience (aka MOLE) bawahahaha….

After nearly 3 years of marriage, I have FINALLY had an epiphany about the degradation of my relationship with my mother in law. In one of many thousands of conversations (aka bitch sessions) had with girlfriends about our partners family, and strangely enough it always seems to weigh heavily on the poor mother in laws, I was asked : if you could have the "perfect" relationship in your eyes how would it be?

Initally, not only did I glaze over the question when asked but then when my friend asked me to answer her, I proceeded to attack the question the wrong way with all they won’t blah blah blah… she won’t blah blah blah … And again she patiently asked me : but what do you want it to be like?

Well, I wanted them to be my family, act like my family. Then it hit me, how can I expect them to be and act like my family when I’m not treating them like MY family? I had failed at acting upon one of my favourite mantras in life :

You can not change people or situations; you can only change how YOU react to them

So, the very next visit, I didn’t sit making idle small talk and wait upon them with tea and baked goods (mind you, I am a huge fan of the ol’ baked goods with a cup of tea when I get a chance to sit my fat arse down – which ain’t that often) I simply went about getting housework and all those other things I can’t get done when I’m alone with twin infants and a toddler.

When my poor family visits, it’s all hands on deck. They know how this dragon rolls. My conversations are bellowed from room to the other as I go about things, you make your own bloody cuppa, if it cries – you settle it, if it vomits – you grab a cloth and wipe it, if you smell ‘it’- you change it’s butt. There’s no handing a kid back. And there is NO last minute panicked cleaning before they arrive (but that’s a slightly different issue that I’m sure we’ll touch on at another time). Because MY family comes to visit ME, not just coo at the kids.

Now I can’t say with any certainty that they understood the change in my behaviour, but I sure as hell know that it was heavily noted, with the many requests to have me “just sit down for a minute” To which I replied, no thank you, I would much prefer to make the most of the extra sets of hands in the house.

And when they left, I felt good (and I still do). I had stood in my own power and changed how I responded rather than be false to their faces and stewed about their actions until I could literally breathe fire.


Of course, being very proud and full of myself (as is a dragon’s nature) I then hopped on messenger and proceeded to thank my friend for her gift in my epiphany :oP

I just couldn't help myself...

What started as a couple of curiosity questions about bogging & blogs due to a recent influx of friends starting their own blogs has lead me here (and it only took about an hour to get to this point) You see I need to journal more these days, but I never get the time. Ohh time my elusive friend... ohh how I miss thee, let me count the ways - no wait, i don't have time, I'll get back to you later. Journalling - it allows me to put this constant internal monologue of observations, thoughts and feelings down somewhere. I need to get them out of my head so I can concentrate on the screaming task in front of me. It also allows me to process events in my life in a more objective manner.

Then of course there's the whole loathing of handwriting, not just how it looks but how it pains my hand. Yes, it physically pains me to write for extended periods. It's not muscle wastage from being a Gen Z unable to do anything non techo, no it's fair more boring like carpal tunnel syndrome from my 1st pregnancy (yes I am a breeder). And no matter how many different coloured and/or glittery pens and gorgeous books I use, it's just not my thing. This dragon don't hand write sister.

Like many of my actual generation, I've fallen victim to facebook. Where I've developed an interesting addiction to people knowing whats happening in my life and waiting for their response. So like a big ol' fb status update, here begins my very own blog !!!

Now to prepare you, I am random, blunt, a little crass, left of centre (in more ways than one), oddly humorous, unable to spell to save my life but mostly human. I hope this will be a no holds bar brain dump of my life in all it's facets as I change my chameleon colours. How long this will last, only the universe will know. I'm great on the ideas/start up phase - it's the follow through that is sorely lacking...

I blame my dragon within for this bad habit - you see many eons ago, they used to offer sacrifices, virgins, gold and the like to honour the dragon. The spoils were forth coming and all they had to do is sit there and look menacing. Grrrr....