a Dragon's year

WOW what a roller coaster of year it's been for this little Dragon.

I've fallen down to the darkest depths and have had to learn once again, to walk proud, roar loudly for the good and against the negative but mainly I have finally spread my beautiful wings and begun to soar to new amazing heights.

My hatchlings have grown so fast and become real individual personalities, the likes that really scare me. You see there is not one shy retiring little wall flower amongst them. Ohhh heavens help me as they continue to grow!!!

And as 2011 draws to a close I think it a wonderful time to do your 2011 GRATITUDE LIST.

The end of the year is a great opportunity to show your gratitude for all the good that manifested in 2011. As Oprah Winfrey says: “The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.”

So grab a pen and paper, sit down and make a list titled: What I’m grateful for in 2011…

To help you get started here a few points you may want to consider:

· What did I learn in 2011?

· How was my health?

· Who did I meet?

· What was a standout experience?

· What was the most fun?

I believe by closing the year focusing on all the positive in your life, you are summoning up and filling your being with that magical energy that opens your heart and mind which attracts more positivity to you.

Now your gratitude list complete and hopefully you're brimming with pride, it is time to plan and write down your INTENTIONS FOR 2012.

You can’t hope to get what you want until you know what it is you want!  As you write your intentions down, note how confident (or not) you feel about this aim. Where you find your confidence is low, you need to work on raising it up.

So grab that pen again and make a new list titled: My intentions for 2012…

Some more points you may want to consider:

· Which fear will I release?

· Who will I spend more time with?

· What do I want for myself work-wise?

· Relationship-wise?

· Travel-wise?

I hope this helps you embrace 2012 and it make it everything you dream of. Should you encounter tough times, I wish that you will find the silver lining and have the insight to find the lesson in the life experience.

My blessings to you and your loved ones for 2012 - let's make it ROCK!!!

my affirmation

In the face of adversity I will take a deep breathe, rise to the challenge & conquer my self doubt.

When to stay and when to run...

I feel 16 again.  Because I feel like I've run away from home.  But ironically I've left hubby and the kids and camped out at my parents place.  Last time I did a runner, I was leaving the parents when I was the kid... and all over a simple nose piercing - but that's another story!

Well today I think I hit critical mass, but hey I thought that back in November before we went to Tresillian.  SO... rather than continue to freak the kids out with a mum that can't stop crying, when hubby got home from work, I packed a bag, called my olds and decided I needed to be utterly selfish and take a break.  Let hubby bare the brunt of things and try to catch up on some MUCH needed sleep, not to mention get my shit together.

Tomorrow, after another dreaded but much needed appointment with the Financial Counsellor, I will relent on a personal stand point and toddle off the Dr's for some anti depressants. Ohh and maybe some sleeping tablets I think... the insomnia I've having certainly does not help my depression or stress levels.

So strap yourself in kids, it's going to be a bumpy ride !!!  And with any luck the kids won't eat hubby alive and I may just have a family to go home to.

SO Jan 19, 2011 : I'm grateful for a safe place, my panic room if it were.

Balancing act

Not 5 seconds ago I told my husband that 'no I would not blog tonight' as I am utterly shattered (tired, not drunk or high as much as they seem like much better feeling options), that I would make a choice for my mental and emotional health and go to bed.  Not to mention it had been rather average uninspiring day battling a social commitments and a feral 2 year old, who wants to read a blog about that crap?

Then as I went to turn the PC off and go to bed as discussed, I saw a couple of new people are following me on Twitter - my new destructive habit along with this blog and facebook!  And I felt horribly compelled to bring forth something.  The why of which I will have to deconstruct later when I have the brain capacity (which going by my current trend could be the 12th of never!), and then it hits me, today has been a lesson in finding balance.

And it is that light bulb moment of what the day has brought to me, that is the very essence of why I vowed where humanly possible to blog each day to for myself to STOP for moment and take stock of the day's ebb and flow and how I may in some small way be grateful and learn from it.

So Jan 16, 2011 : as I quickly nut this blog out, I give thanks to acknowledging that all things, big and small need their own priority and balanced place within your day, life, heart and soul in order to give you the balance that we all struggle to find.

a moment in time

Amidst the turmoil it's so good for the soul to get out and away, far away from it all and remember the world outside and it's small pleasures.  Here we took the brood to an animal park down the coast and watched as the kids absorbed the sights, smells, sounds and feel of those things outside our normal realm.



So Jan 15, 2011 : I am ever so glad to have break and leave 'it' all on the shelf if only for a day.



Money money money, it's so funny.... NOT!

Well it's a double edged sword I'm currently wielding. 

Yesterday I knocked another item of my Wish List 2011 - went an saw a Financial Counsellor to help us make a change in our money situation cause basically we're like totally crap and stuff with juggling money.  And being a family of 5 now on a single income, I knew we weren't in a fantastic spot but HOLY SNAPPING DUCK SHIT BATMAN!

This exercise forced hubby and I to disclose all our financial skeletons in the closet.  Something I can only assume, normal married people come to in good time, but having only been married for 5 seconds before we found out we were going to be a family, I now look back and think, we didn't get a chance to do that part. So in true Team DW form, we did that in super fast mode too!

Needless to say, sitting down and going through (in great detail) the full gravity of our financial situation left me 'shocked, stunned and not a little amazed' - to quote my favourite comedian Billy Connolly  I left the office building and walked to a park and cried my heart out.  Then realised, I was sulking about a something that I thought was bad and went to get help for - what was I sulking for???  But never the less, it hurt.  It hurt to think we are a hair's breadth away from disaster. 

But hey, I knew 2011 was about change, just didn't realise how much.  I know better about being VERY specific about what you wish for cause the universe, she doth have a wicked sense of humour.  Can I remind you that I have 3 under 3 - yeah she got me good...

So in lieu of blogging last night, I was madly downloading all my banking history, dumping it into spreadsheets and pulling together every ounce of data analyst I had left in me to get the a better idea of our habits and where they must change.  Now my heads hurts and my eyes are going crossed - how did I used to do this all day everyday? eeek!

it feels something like this...

So Jan 13 and 14, 2011 : I give thanks clarity, communication and solidarity that this experience has given Team DW

I need a Jedi mind trick

It would the appear the force is strong in my little padawan and I'm having to pit my all my firey dragon will against hers.

Now all those seasoned mothers out there are silently nodding in understanding that this is that glorious time dubbed the terrible twos. And while my darling is happily speeding through majority of her development milestones, making the change from nappies to undies is something she is completely and utterly digging her heels in about.

Self feeding and toilet training (the progress we had made) were the 2 areas of regression we encountered when the dynamic duo came onto the scene.  At which time I thought were the lesser of... well many evils having heard some toe curling stories. 

After our recent stint in Tresillian, who helped with the self feeding issue, but sadly couldn't help with toilet training.  And lets be honest I was so close to breaking point then, that toilet training was pretty low on my list of survival priorities.

Almost 2 months down the track, running on the heaven sent Tresillian routine and I have now personally recovered enough to take up the fight once more.  Only to discover that it's a FAR bigger fight than I could have imagined.  If having meltdowns about putting on undies and having to sit on the toilet weren't joyful enough, the little witch calls upon the mystical powers of a camel and manages to hold on for hours on end! ARRHHHGGGG - it's just SOO infuriating, it's going to make my head explode.

Every time I think I've found her currency / motivation to move forward, she changes the ball game.  I never expected to have to be so militarily tactical with a damn toddler.

So Jan 12, 2011 : while I go about my toilet war games and try to look at the glass half full.  That the sheer strength and determination my hatchling is using against me now, will serve her well in the future against all those situations and people parents shudder to think about.

Good god I've become a living blonde joke

And before you ask, no I'm not actually blonde!  I'm brunette battling a tidal wave of grays, but I'm not a blonde. 

But I am sitting here feeding my crazed hormones with a Darrell Lea Milk Chocolate GIANT Speacklea (aka a huge arsed choc freckle...) bawahahaha I said arse AND freckle in the one sentence!!! heee heee ha ha ha ha... Ohh gutter humour, please never leave this little old Dragon, it makes up a huge part of what I am. 

Anywho, back to the hormones : recently I've come to realise they are playing a very big role in the roller coaster of my PND / depression.  I've been very Jekyll and Hyde like but with enough detachment to get annoyed at seeing the massive swings I'm having and their effects on those around me.  So like the mother I am, I gave myself a stern talking to and told myself to go to the bloody Dr's. And would you know it, I was on the money! 

Shock horror, after some blood tests the Dr informs me I'm now in a nasty loop where my hormone imbalance is affecting not only my emotions but my sleep and stress levels, my lack or sleep and increased stress affect my adrenal system, which produces cortisol to cope, adrenals become exhausted producing said coping cortisol then fail to produce the correct level of hormones and on and on it goes... Better explained here

And how does all this mean I'm a living joke?  Well the Dr in a means to help break this cycle of abuse (lol) has put me back onto the pill.  Another post breastfeeding boon!  And tonight I caught myself saying to my husband, aside from starting to feel human again, you know what the best part of being back on the pill is?  I know what day of the week it is!  To which my hubby just cracked up.... thanks!

So Jan 11, 2011 : I give thanks to the modern sciences that brings us the contraceptive pill - for so SO many reasons!

High Chair 1 - DW 0

Today was full of productivity with fly screens being replaced (thanks going to the local cockatoos for destruction of the window screens) with reinforced aluminium versions so the trio of midgets can't push their way through.  That while I had the staple gun out, I would have a red hot crack at recovering the high chair.  Another thing off the 2011 wish list.

But no..... it couldn't be as simple and easy as using the resources around and readily available. You know being all ethical and recycling etc etc. Here I was being all smug thinking I don't need to spend a bucket load on another high chair considering I'll only need it for another year at most. I've got the oilcloth remnants sent to me from my amazing raincoat made by Worden, some old cushion inserts (waiting for some project to come) and most importantly my parent's electric staple gun, I mean where could I go wrong?

 

old cushion insert cut down to size

 

oilcloth, cushion & highchair base ready to cut...



Bloody masonite board, that's where I could come asunder alright! Damn high density board wouldn't let my staples through, so now I'm back to square one... and left thinking about hot glue guns, card board, upholstery tacks... essentially things that will taken more effort than I wanted... arrhhgggg !





not the outcome I was after   :o/


So Jan 10, 2011 : Today I learnt about being grateful with what you CAN do, rather than stewing about what you can't. Although I am struggling a little with it... this old dragon can't back down from a fight  ;o)

a moment in time

Inspired by SouleMama's, post I gazed in awe and hoped one day I would be able to capture a moment of christmas.  Here is my vain attempt of my own version of that inspiring photo thanks to a belated christmas gathering with my outlaws...

So Jan 7, 2011 : while although had mixed emotions regarding this gathering, the kids excitement overcame it all. So I am grateful for a chance to see child's view of the world

Run away, run away...

Today is what I call a 'run away day'  It's where the stars magically align 3 ratty kids with a less than coping mother.

In terms of my post natal depression, I'm not what they class as a self harm risk but more a flight risk.  My self preservation runs too high to want to opt out of this world, I just periodically want to opt out of my home duties (aka kids) and pretend like I'm someone who is somewhere else.

To be brutally honest, this is one of those days I wish I wasn't a mother.  Not everyone will admit it, but a very large portion of us (mums) have days when the shit really hits the fan and all we want is it all to stop for just one freaking minute.  And as my SIL says to me, honestly if you really knew what you were in for, would you sign up for this [motherhood] job?

And today my answer is : HELL NO !

So Jan 6, 2011 : I am *eternally* grateful for the support I have from my parents.  Who will come at a moments notice to give that much needed hug, the space to just go and cry, to take the kids for a while - to stop me tipping over the edge.  For without them, I couldn't even imagine...



Who released the Kraken ?

Ohh today was not filled with sunshine, lollipops and rainbows... no, not at all.  Ruined plans, very little sleep, impending doom and lots of crazy hormones for a happy DW does not make.  According to my darling hubby I was very this....

When I should have chosen to be this....

And damn it wouldn't you know it - I think he's right. 

I respect hubby so much when he : a) takes his life into his hands by taking me head on when I'm in one of these moods and b) in turn, helps me snap out of it.

So Jan 5 2011 :  I wish two very dear people in my life a wonderful anniversary of birth.  May the world and those around you shower you with love, support, compassion and inspiration as you have done for me xoxox

Learning to super size again for the hungry hungry hippos

Although technically I am an only child, I grew up in mother's household and ended up being 1 of 5 children in the house.  So with 7 of us around the dinner table, I learnt to cook BIG meals.  But when I moved out at age 18, I had to radically reteach myself to cook small meals. 

Now the winds of change have blown again and with the duo well into normal foods, I'm having to teach myself to super size meals again... and knock out a few at a hit too.  And keeping up with my horde of remorseless eating machines is a full time job onto itself.  Thank heavens I love cooking like I do !

So today thanks to some wonderful sleeping midgets, I managed to cook some quick and easy family meals.

Veggie slice (my adulterated version of a humble zucchini slice)

10 eggs
2 cups self raising flour
550gm zucchini, grated
200gm carrot, grated
1 cup corn kernels (I use frozen)
1 cup peas (again frozen)
1 ½ brown onion, finely chopped
400gm bacon, sliced
2 cups tasty cheese, grated

Grease a lasagne tray and preheat oven to 180° fan forced.

Beat eggs and add in sifted flour until combined.  Add each of the remaining ingredients, mixing until combined before adding next (get better egg mix coating this way)

Pour into tray and bake in oven for 30mins or until brown on top and set in the middle.

Note : this is lovely served warm, but for little people, allow to cool completely and refrigerate.  Sliced into finger size pieces makes a fantastic finger food.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Cottage Pie (inspired by my mother, my laziness and those 4 ingredient ladies)

1 pkt french onion soup mix
1 kg beef mince
3 cups frozen vegetable mix
1 kg potatoes, something like Desiree - a good mashing variety
grated cheese enough to cover potato mash

Brown mince (drain off fat if there's excess), add soup mix and frozen mixed veg.  Pour mince mix into casserole dish.  Preheat oven to 180° fan forced.

Peel, dice, boil and mash potatoes.  Spoon mash on top of meat, sprinkle grated cheese and bake until cheese melted and browned (approx 10 mins)
* * * * * * * * * * *


Then I gave myself a bit of a pantry challenge (thanks Ready Steady Cook for the inspiration) and attempted a newbie which I couldn't help but tinker with...  Bean and tomato sausage hotpot which we had with polenta.  Again, cooked a double batch of the polenta, refrigerated half in a greased lamington tray and cut into finger sized pieces make more great finger food for little peoples.  I'm going to dabble with adding veggies / flavour to the polenta and see what comes of it.

Sadly the horde of hungry hungry hippos attacked all of the above before I could take any pretty photos... grrrr....  But all the finger foods and freezable meals will serve us well as we are about to  embark upon the outlaws belated xmas 4 day clan gathering.  And if you've read my previous post, this will be all kinds of joy for me.


So Jan 4, 2011 : today's gratitude comes from my husband who thanked me for being organised (for a recent change) and my forward planning.  It's so nice to hear that, he doesn't have to say but when he did, I almost blushed- go figure !?!

ahhhh... I can feel it already

I can look back and with a relaxing sigh, happily say today was a great day (squishy tummy aside).  

Nothing momentous happened, in fact cause of said squishy tummy, I miss a much anticipated BBQ at a domestic kitchen goddess' and her wonderful Brazilian husband's place - that's fancy talk for these people know how to cook !!!

But what did take place was small steps in a new, fresh and free direction. 

I believe, along with a lot of other tid bits from all over the place, in the idea that your life, your mind, your heart etc have a limited holding capacity and needs to be cleansed / purged to serve you better and help you move forward.  That we spend as much if not more energy on holding onto that which does not serve us (again fancy for crap) than we do trying to achieve things.

Or more commonly referred to as "Out with old and in with the new".  And it was what we (finally) got rid of today that created the most excitement.  Not to mention allowed me to strike off the first of my 2011 wish list.  Interestingly it was hubby that started the ball rolling today and since having done my daily facebook check up, there is something in the air for all of us... reason being :

"During the new Moon in Capricorn Pluto conjoins Pallas which is excellent for recognizing the deadwood in your life and clearing it out. Pallas also helps you step back and see the big picture, allowing you to find the perspective you need to sort our the important issues from the trivial. - Janine SOL"

And here is one little girl who got rid of something i.e. the side of her cot and gained some pretty cool glow in the dark stickers... plus mummy gained a massive 3.5hr day nap for it too!  Happy dances all round !



proud as punch

out like a light



 












So Jan 3 2011 : I feel like I can breathe a little easier with a little less clutter and excited giggles filling the air

Weaning the Twins : aka I want my boobs back !

In my ongoing and ever changing plan for 2011, weaning the dynamic duo from breast to cow's milk is VERY high on the agenda, as my body has basically not been my own for over 3 years. Now I want it back!

Having breastfeed my eldest for 13 months until she self weaned when I feel pregnant again, I set myself the the personal milestone to breastfeed the bubs (based on supply being forthcoming that was) for a minimum of 6 months but maximum of 12 months.  Now we've reached that maximum milestone, it's time to make good on a pact with myself and commit to weaning them off the boob.

And while I can happily say that so far that things are going reasonably well, it is still fraught with angst for me.  In my lack of down time juggling 3 under 3, breastfeeding was a forced, yet wonderful time and space for me to stop, sit down, focus and simply connect with the bubs.



holding hands



I looked forward to it and cherished the moments of stroking their head, playing with their feet and often stopping them from poking each other in the eye.  I love the ease in which a feed can provide so much nurturing and comfort when sick, tired or distressed.  For me breastfeeding has simply been magical, I am have been truly blessed to be have been able to have this with all 3 of my kids. But I worry that I won't get that I'll get caught up in the day and not find time to just be with them.  Not to mention what my boobs will be like post 3 years torture  :o$ 

So now I seem to be almost fighting myself not to give into a feed, especially since in the past couple of months with their mobility and developing understanding of situations, feeding become almost comical. I'd show the duo that I had the feeding pillow, sign milk (Auslan) and sit myself down on the floor. Those two crazy kids would stop / drop what they were doing and come speed crawling, giggling their heads off toward me - who wouldn't love that?

On the flip side : feeding takes so much out of you if you're not taking the best care, and lets be honest, I'm not.  Sadly part of my 2011 plan is to move 'me' up the ladder in terms of importance, hence another reason to wean.  So logic, timing, health and surprisingly a lot of pressure from external parties (those who care about me) will no doubt make this happen.  Not to mention the return to nice lingerie and spaghetti straps... ohh how I have missed you guys!

So Jan 2 2011 : I am grateful for the ability to breastfeed my 3 gorgeous kids, the bond is has allowed me to develop with them, all the added health benefits etc it brings and I will be brutally honest - the money it has saved me.

And how a loving big sister is being super attentive to bottles being dropped, marshaling rolling babies back onto their cushions and simply joining in on the new found fun

Howdy Stranger

Welcome 2011 - it's so lovely to meet you, I do hope we can be great friends...

Unlike your predecessor 2010 who was, well lets just say no less than a Caring Understanding Nice Type...  yes that's right ladies and gentlemen, I was less than impressed by what transpired during 2010 but now to completely negate that statement, I do try very hard to live without regret and to see the lesson within hardships and heartache as it helps to shape and teach me to be the person I am today.

In a plan (not a NYR) to create more positiveness, gratitude and calm in my life I am going to have a red hot go at blogging everyday - even if it's just a photo or a saying but I want to commit myself to having a set plan to STOP (hammer time) and take stock, reflect on what the day has brought to me and basically give thanks.

I have always had the ability to create more of what I feel. And lately that, well I felt like shit !!!  And wouldn't you know it, a whole heap of shit is exactly what life threw at me !#@$!  So to embrace one of my favourite sayings :

You can not change people or situations,

You can only change how you react to them.

I am going to change MY view, my mindset, my habits.

Because sitting in the corner being a sad sack, letting my depression suck me under, is not exactly what I had in mind for a 2011 game plan !

* * * * * * * * * * *

So Jan 1 2011 : I admit it's ironic in my first steps towards a brighter and better life not only for myself but in turn for my family, the owner of this tiny little foot and it's partner in crime both took their 1st steps as upright and vertical beings! 

The elation, the pride and warmth at such a milestone is wonderful enough and something I will hold and cherish throughout the year, but I am also eternally grateful that not only did both my babies choose the same day to achieve this, but that my hubby was home and there to share as well {happy sigh}

Mind you, only moments later the dynamic duo then turned their hand at climbing - of which I am none to happy about!  LOL 

Well this marks the start to what I will make an amazing year.  I wish you and your loved ones much peace, joy, love, health and happiness in the year to come xox